You dont know me from adam. I am just another one of those nameless pundant/fans that used to flock to your stadium to watch the Hoops…FCD..or whatever they are called these days. The last two games have been great. We have won. We have played soccer the way that the bus driver wants to see. PLEASE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!

I have told Hitch before all we have to do is win. WE ARE DOING IT NOW! CAPITALIZE! Build your advertising around Jeff. For the love of God he just became the 3rd leader scorer in MLS history. I would be putting that in every ad possible. You have been given something to rally fans behind. It is really getting sad looking on TV and seeing a less than 1/2 full stadium. Now is the time to spend some money with this tide of a two game win streak behind us.

Now on to something much more embarrassing. I am not a hordicultural expert but I know a bad pitch when I see one. Clark we are supposed to be a “Major” league team. Why does the Dr. Pink field look better than the pitch in the main stadium? I know that field has had a new pitch within the last two years. I know that you make money from having tournaments and other events on those fields. But Clark how does it look when we are on regional and sometimes national tv and the ball looks like it just hit a sand pit on the back 9. Tonight about 1/2 way through the second half a ball played by Kai Kimoura from Houston got sucked into a divot in the pitch that just made the ball stop cause there was no pitch to stop it. Please it is embarrassing that the team seems to be showing the promise that we all hoped that they had while doing it on a pitch that is worse than some of the rec fields that I have seen.

Please help us. We the fans that have left the fold want to come back. But we want you to show us that you care about the team as much as we do. I know that you love the game. I know that there have been rumors of you putting a bid in for West Ham. Please as the great Charles Emmerson Winchester the Third has stated many times do one thing….do it very well….and then move on. Please take advise when you are considering adding teams…..

Ugh, we suck. There’s no other way to put it than to compile a list of movies I’d rather watch again on an endless loop for a week, than any 10mins of that monstrosity ever again…

1. The Punisher (the one with Dolph Lundgren)
2. Captain America (the 1990 movie…that sucked)
3. Red Eye
4. Wuthering Heights (the 1939 classic, not the remake, I never saw the remake)
5. Shaft in Africa
6. Bulletproof
7. Any Nic Cage movie that’s not The Rock, Con Air or Face Off.
8. Showgirls edited for TV, the nakedness make it somewhat watchable…somewhat.
9. Stealth
10. Glitter, Honey, Swordfish, etc… any movie I’ve gone to see because of a very attractive female star…I always regret it and I’ll probably do it again.

Yeah, it was that bad of a performance.

Tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “freaking calamity.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

Dario Sala, Duilio Davino, Pablo Ricchetti, Abe Thompson, Juan Toja, Andre Rocha, Arturo Alvarez, Drew Moor, Adrian Serioux, Anthony Wallace, Kenny Cooper

That’s it, that’s the list. If you can’t tell that’s yesterday’s lineup from the public beating match versus the LA Galaxy. Those guys were terrible, an absolute embarrassment to the Hoops shirt. I don’t even know where to begin. It seems like Steve Morrow’s plan for MLS glory this season goes something like this:

Step 1) Start undefeated against some of the stronger teams in the league.
Step 2) Embarrass self against the weaker sides
Step 3) ???
Step 4) PROFIT!!!

I don’t get how it’s supposed to work either.

Steve Morrow is one performance like that away from me calling for his head. There is a competitive team in Dallas and for the past month he hasn’t been able to find it.

But its not all on him, the players deserve some of this too, those bunch of…@#^$$#&^@$*&@#$(*@##$^%(@#***&^%&@!!!!

(Something like that)

No sexy women pictures for them, they get a team Roseanne Barr, holding up how many goals we’ve allowed LA in two of the last three games. Absolutely terrible indeed.

The only thing that came out of last night’s home locker room that I agreed with was this quote from Steve Morrow.

“We’re all ashamed of ourselves.”

You’d better be, because this is Dallas where we may not expect greatness all the time but we demand our FC stand for “fielding competence” and that ain’t it.

HOOPS PRIDE!

And with that, my adventure began. I didn’t want to watch the FC Dallas/New England Revolution game at home so I decided to go somewhere where soccer was not king (pretty easy to find…I chose Buffalo Wild Wings), attempt to watch the game and live the events that transpired. I brought my notebook to take notes about the game and my experiences, so what follows is to the best of my ability completely accurate.

I decided to sit in the main room, right in front of a television. If I was any distance from a TV set showing soccer people may assume no ones watching and try to change the channel. So I’m here at a table for four, alone. I wonder how this looks. You know what strikes me as odd though, besides the MLS game, there are the NBA playoffs on tonight (and I think hockey as well) and yet all the TV’s have either NFL draft coverage or some BW3’s trivia game; such is life in a football (American version) mad city.

2’ – Damn, I’m got here on-time, but trying to convince Samantha that soccer is on TV and getting her to go to the right channel made me miss the lineups, I can’t tell who’s playing. There’s Cooper, Moor, Serioux…this is gonna be tough, there’s some other guy, hey there’s Dax.

3’ – I guess I should mention that there’s no sound available, but I do have closed captioning. Although as someone who works in TV, I know that unless you’re paying constant attention, closed captioning is useless. I keep looking down at my notebook trying to write my thoughts and therefore closed captioning is useless. At least I can’t hear Eric Wynalda say something crazy

3’ – Oh yeah, Eric Wynalda got fired, I forgot that.

3’ – Franken-Cooper dances around with the ball then crosses it into the area where no one is waiting. I don’t understand, he had to have seen no one there.

Alright I need a beer and wings. Thursday’s here are 50¢ boneless wings and while I usually like bones in my wings, a lack of bones will suffice. I told Samantha six Honey BBq and she looked at me odd, I know it may seem like a small order but I’ll be here awhile, I’ll get more later. Looking at this beer menu they have all the normal stuff plus a few things I didn’t expect them to have (Stella, Newcastle) so kudos to them. I’m in an enterprising mood so Killians it is; it’s actually my first Killians ever. BW3’s is going to take my Killian’s virginity, please be gentle.

A random server comes up to me with a confused look on his face and asks me what I’m watching, his name is Aiton and after me telling him FC Dallas/New England he replied with “You actually watch MLS?” I didn’t think this conversation would end well but he surprised me when he said “I’m a huge Barca fan,” my spirits immediately picked up, Hey, I’m not alone. He asked me if I had seen the Man U/Barca game, I had, but before I could reply he said “Can you believe Ronaldo missed that penalty? I mean I’m not mad I didn’t want him to win, but still.” That statement set off my irony meter because I realized he looked an awful lot like CR7, if CR7 shrank six inches, added about 20 pounds and took the product out of his hair. If I was good at Photoshop I would show you.

8’ – Hoops look terrible in front of the goal. Or as Stephen A. Smith would say…ever since I’ve seen that video I’ve struggled pronouncing “terrible” all I want to do is a Stephen A. impression.

12’ – Great defensive effort by Dax. It’s a shame that that idiot Peter Nowak is using Dax correctly and Steve Morrow has him out of position. In his Steve’s defense though, the Hoops have like ten quality defensive midfielders.

WTF is up with Alvarez’s hair? Blond tips? Are we a boy band now? The only boy band move I remember is the hand wave thing from N’Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” video. I really don’t feel like learning any new dance steps, I just figured out how to do the Soulja Boy dance the other day. Aaron Carter must be rolling over in his grave.

14’ – Cooper is too cute with the ball. Whoa! Who got behind Serioux?!? Good thing he missed the header.

Oh yeah, Aaron Carter is not actually dead.

15’ – Wagner out muscled.

17’ – Saragosa got a good look at goal, but its just wide. Hey wait, that’s offense from him. Congrats Marcelo!

Samantha keeps coming by and asking if I need anything, she must want a good tip, either that or she’s annoyed at my original six wing order.

What’s that song from Wayne’s World, the scene where Garth puts the quarter in the machine and dances for that hot girl. Argh! This is going to bother me. Anyways, I just noticed its playing right now.

20’ – Sala with a good save falling to his left. Where are FC Dallas’ offensive chances?

22’ – BOOK HIM REF!!! Moor was undercut going for a header. How does the ref not flash some yellow for that?

You want to look odd, jump up in a place, yelling at a sporting event no one else cares about.

Someone finally turned one of the bigger TV’s to basketball and conversation around me turns to Kobe vs. Lebron.

Need more wings. Six again, Garlic Parmesan this time. I never really liked that flavor but for some reason I always seem to run to them.

*** I was looking up health info on Garlic Parmesan sauce and found this, I have no segue just click here***

27’ – Rocha is getting forward…yay! Is it just me or is Cooper everywhere, I would ask someone but by the confused looks on people’s faces it’s just me watching soccer.

30’ – Hey there’s Davino! I’ve now seen all the Dallas players.

TRIVIA QUESTION: The Paris to Dakar car and motorcycle rally is one of the world’s toughest tests for man and machine, but in which country is Dakar?

A) Chad
B) Mali
C) Senegal
D) Niger

32’ – Blake has his shot deflected, not much I know but it’s the second time this game I noticed him. That’s a huge step for him.

TRIVIA ANSWER: C) Senegal…I knew that one.

Dax looks incredible, he’s breaking everything up, getting back on defense. If he learns how to play offense Bob Bradley may tell Benny Feilhaber to shove it and go home, because the postion next to Michael Bradley might just be filled.

Basketball update: This player on the Washington Wizards looks like Mr. T in reverse with a Mohawk on his beard. I hope I can find a picture of that.

Either my mind is in the gutter (it’s been known to reside there) or this foot long Subway commercial is really suggestive. Every woman I see make that “12 inches” hand gesture makes me think “I know what she really means”…and then I think of that scene from “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” and laugh.

Is it just me or does team prep school have more black guys than I remember. I thought New England was all sweater vests, polo shirts and Birkenstocks. I know that doesn’t mean these guys can’t be down but it seems odd. I think I’m missing something.

41’ – Poor clearance by the Hoops – that should have been a goal

42’ – Cooper knocked down by Reis in the box. POINT TO THE SPOT REF!!!

43’ – Moor let someone behind him who got a great head on it, Sala there. Whew.

Where did the FC Dallas possession go? We should be down a goal right now.

I need a new beer.

Halftime.

If you’re wondering why I only drank one beer it’s because I’m writing, eating wings of the boneless variety, watching the Hoops and half watching Cavs/Wizards. Not much time to drink, I need to re-prioritize.

This Taco Bell commercial, the girl with the bacon taco in her purse: I’m not 100% sure I wouldn’t fall for that. What does that make me?

I look like a loner. I do have friends, lemme not tell anyone I’m a blogger that’ll just re-affirm stereotypes.

I just got asked if am I doing homework, I guess I still look young +1. I laughed and replied no, I’m taking notes for a blog -1. Damn, I shouldn’t have said that.

The only highlights ESPN showed from the Rangers/Fiorentina game were a useless foray forward by some Rangers player and a shot from too far out by an Italian. Was that game really that boring?

New beer time, I’m going Newcastle, I like Newcastle. Oh and six more wings, Teriyaki this time. Is that 18? I told you this would begin to add up.

Question: do Chelsea/Liverpool fans enjoy the way their teams play when they play one another? I don’t watch that much Chelsea or Liverpool , but I’ve seen enough to know that they bore me, do they always play like that?

I like this Adidas commercial, Beckham practicing with the LA strikeforce, HA!

And we’re back…

45’ – Cooper is 6’3”, 207 why is he always on the ground?

46’ – Does any MLS team try as many back heel passes and other soccer tricks as FC Dallas? They don’t all work, but it’s a creativity I don’t see around the league, then again I only watch FC Dallas and whoever is playing FC Dallas.

The Miley Cyrus crowd just arrived, a bunch of kids 14-16…maybe…who drove them here?

47’ – I’m liking all the possession

One of the Miley Cyrus boys is looking at me odd because I have a notebook and I’m watching soccer. Do I A) throw something at him B) Yell at him C) Feebly ignore him while they make jokes at my expense?

52’ – Alvarez had a decent shot…near post. Last year he did this all the time, stop shooting near post. Teams have scouts and if I see it I know they do. Shouldn’t Steve Morrow tell him “Hey Arturo, they know.”

Damn I choose ‘C’. I hate teenagers. I wonder how ridiculous this looks.

Wait, ESPN just said Davino is our designated player. That’s not true.

55’ – Serioux is pretty decent on the ball…jinxed him, he gave it up.

Aiton came back, he actually thinks what I’m doing is pretty cool, so I pitch the site to him dallas.theoffside.com. (Hey Laurie, NEW READER!!!) He asks me how I became an FC Dallas fan, I tell him FIFA ’06 Eddie Johnson and Carlos Ruiz at forward, the first season I played with them, Eddie scored 27 goals and Carlos had 40. That was fun.

59’ – The manager tries to change the channel, as I’m sitting right in front of him. Argument ensues. He says no one is watching, I show him my notebook, he relents. The Miley Cyrus kids shrink back into their booth, if I find out one of them put the manager up to this I’m finding out what car they borrowed from their parents and slicing their car tires. That’s one of the benefits of getting older, you can afford new car tires. YAY for Michelin!

Tracy is gone as my server, man I’m running through them…who’s next???

60’ – Who hurt Alvarez??? What did I miss??? Damn, a poor free kick by Dax, I would call it Landon-esque but his fan club would think I’m picking on him. It’s not like I don’t, like him, I just wouldn’t want him on my team…ever.

70’ – Someone just blew it for New England, luck is needed by the Hoops. Where are our great chances?

TRIVIA QUESTION: In the 1986 NFL Draft, what player was selected with the number one overall selection, but didn’t sign with the team, instead playing baseball that year?

A) Bo Jackson
B) Deion Sanders
C) Ricky Bell
D) Lawrence Elkins

72’ – Rocha shoots from about Ft. Worth…just wide.

TRIVIA ANSWER: A) Bo Jackson, I guessed and got that right only because I remembered Deion playing college football in ’88 and I had no idea who Ricky Bell and Lawrence Elkins were. Guess who’s going on wikipedia when they get home.

One of the Miley Cyrus girls is putting on make-up at the table…KICK HER OUT!!!

73’ – McCarty has a lot of heart but he’s knocked off the ball because he’s just too small, Moor gives up too much space for a shot and…damn…Khano Smith…It was bound to happen, the amount of chances we were giving up. 1-0 New England.

ESPN shows a stat, we’ve lost to NE 8 of the last 9 times, I’m not sure I believe them after that Davino, designated player, fiasco but it sure seems like that.

77’ – Ricardihno abuses someone, it leads to a corner. He’s gonna be a good one once he learns to pass and gets used to the physical play in MLS.

79’ – Birdman sighting! So far this year that’s the one thing I’ve been most wrong about, the emergence of Dominic Oduro. Maybe it’s because the forwards are playing well and scoring that he stays sitting on that metal bench, regardless he looks only slightly better on the ball.

Who sings “Before he cheats”? That song is on now…Carrie Underwood!!! I wonder if the guy in that song pressed charges? She carved her name into the side of his truck and tore the whole thing up. He can’t know that many ‘Carrie’s.

84’ – PENALTY! Or to quote that Fox Soccer Channel announcer (his name leaves me again) PEN-AL-TY! We’re gonna tie it up! Wait, why isn’t the ref pointing to the spot? Why are FC Dallas players complaining? Here comes the replay…oh damn, that was a dive. Okay ref, you have my permission to give him a card.

86’ – OH SO CLOSE! Who headed that, Moor?

Ricardihno is getting beat up out there….oh no, pass the ball!

90’ – Richettti on a volley…YES!…NO! Just wide, I thought that went in. That should have gone in.

+90’ – Matt Reis makes a save and lays on the ball for effect, gives the camera time to zoom in on him. Drama. Major.

Fulltime

Damn. We lose again to team prep school, although from the looks of it maybe I can’t call them that anymore, I need a new nickname. Give me time.

And with that FC Dallas falls to the ranks of beaten with the rest of the league. It was a good run while it lasted but we’re just not as good as that Arsenal side was a few years back…yet. We have some relatively easy matches coming up San Jose (sorry Melissa), Real Salt Lake (twice) and team Landycakes/Goldenballs so we should be back in good form soon. Until then in Dallas the FC stands unfortunately for “finally capitulated.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

Welcome once again to my world famous player ranking system…the one with girls. By now you should already understand the concept. Better play = more attractive women. But if for some reason you need a refresher course, here’s the original concept.

Today, we’re discussing the Hoops 2-0 win over Chivas USA. If you missed my game recap, click here, but since I’m sure you’re already saying “Robert, skip the intro, show me the ladies,” let’s get to the fun.

Kenny Cooper (F) – The “perfect” woman, read the “perfect woman” article here [6]: If I told you there was a 6’3”, 207lbs forward who was built like an NFL fullback and pretty adept with the ball at his feet, your mind would begin to conjure up images of the world’s greatest scoring threat. And while there’s nothing wrong with the Franken-Cooper something seems to be missing.
Ricardihno (F) – Christina Applegate from ‘Married with Children’ [6]: Just watching him you can see the talent is there, but watch him long enough and you realize growing needs to be done.
Arturo Alvarez (M) – sane Mariah Carey [6]: It feels like he’s holding back; there is no one in this league who can stop him and yet…
Dax McCarty (M) – Mya [5]: The talent is there but watching him you realize he could be doing so much more.
Blake Wagner (M) – Hayden Panettiere [5]: I’m not sure if she’s legal so let me choose my words carefully: One day he could be something.
Marcelo Saragosa (M) – Erika Christensen aka the other Julia Stiles [6]: Played in place of Pablo Richetti and was just about as good, with a few minor differences.
Andre Rocha (M) – Kelly Hu [6]: When is he going to make that leap from solid bit player to something special? I know he’s good at what he does but I also know he’s better than this.
Adrian Serioux (D) – Taryn Manning [7]: In Hustle & Flow she was dirty, did what needed to be done, even wore braids. And I don’t know about you, but I thought she was hot.
Duilio Davino (D) – Stacey Dash [7]: When older players put together a performance like that you stand up and take notice.
Drew Moor (D) – Denise Richards [7]: Did you see that scene in ‘Wild Things’? Drew played his part in this strong threesome.
Dario Sala (G) – crazy Mariah Carey [8]: Everything you want in a keeper.

Abe Thompson (F) – Angel Lola Luv [7]: Watching that “breakaway” I thought to myself this can’t be real, but you know the old cliché: It’s real if I can touch it.
Aaron Pitchkolan (D) – Deal or No Deal model #8 [5]: I picked this number out of a hat because you’re not going to remember that performance or what she looks like.
Brek Shea (D) – young, but legal Britney Spears [4]: How did he get a yellow? He was only in the game for a minute; nothing could have gotten under his skin that quick.

Frequent readers of my site may realize that this is the first game in which the defense outranked the offense. Let’s hope that defensive performance is not an aberration and is a sign of things to come because an offense that puts up two goals a game and a defense that only allows two chances a game will win a lot of matches.

No time to celebrate tonight in Dallas, grab your dollar beers and dollar brats (great promotion by the way) and get to Pizza Hut Park because New England is about to give the Hoops a run for their money. Hopefully tomorrow the FC in Dallas will stand for more beautiful “female celebrities.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

For those of you that have never heard 50’s hit single, the video is linked below. He spends almost the entire song throwing the gauntlet down on simple extravagances such as TV’s in the headrest or 24 inch Giovanni rims and redefines what ballin’ truly is (are you starting to see the FC Dallas metaphor yet?) Anyways, after the jump is a recap of the most recent Hoops win over Chivas USA narrated by one, Curtis Jackson.

“I took quarter water sold it in bottles for two bucks, Coca-Cola came and bought it for billions what the f**k!?!”

Three minutes into the game FC Dallas gave the goats a preview of the shock to come when Rocha’s cross to an open Alvarez went a bit high. But two minutes later Dax McCarty sent another cross towards the goal mouth and Ricardihno headed it to the feet of Kenny Cooper who slammed it home to grab the league lead in goals for the non-Beckham assisted division. 1-0 Hoops.

“Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire. I write the check before the baby comes, who the f**k cares?”

In the 18th minute Chivas was putting together an attractive counter-attack when Duilio Davino leveled Kraig Chiles with a professional foul stopping the action, as the ref ran in to say something to Davino he responded by saying “meh” in Spanish.

“I’m stanky rich, Imma die tryin’ a spend this sh*t”

In the 24th minute FC Dallas created another great scoring chance as Ricardihno slotted a great through ball to Arturo Alvarez who had a great opportunity to put the Hoops up 2-0 but the ball was on his right foot and that’s a bit like Landon in front of an open goal…

“I blood clot, chop ya leg, do not f**k with the kid”

Forwards cannot pay defense, I don’t know why, you’d think someone who spends all his time trying to score would understand how to legally stop someone from doing to same, But the 27th minute featured a great example of a “forward’s tackle” when the 19 year old Richardihno clobbered Jesse Marsh from behind. Jesse Marsh’s thigh and I thought it might be a yellow, the ref disagreed.

“I did play the block, now I play on boats”

I’ve rightly criticized Blake Wagner for doing almost nothing so far this year but against Chivas Blake took his first step towards relevence while on the pitch. He almost scored twice around the half-hour mark, first off a Drew Moor cross and moments later from a throw-in by Adrian Serioux. Hey Blake, welcome to the big boys game.

“You can call this my new sh*t, but it aint new though”

Right before half Chivas forward Kraig Chiles had a great look at goal but Super Dario came up with another acrobatic high-flying save, proving once again he’s one of the best keeper’s in the league.

“I got rid of my old b***h, now I got new hoes”

Going into the game the discussion centered on the missing Chivas USA players, conveniently forgetting that the Hoops were also missing two of their best players: Juan Toja and Pablo Richetti.

“I’m so forgetful they callin’ me cocky”

Three versus two should always result in a chance on goal, but Ricardihno blew it in the second half as he tried to go it alone and turned a 3v2 into a 1v2 with predictable results.

“Ha ha, I’m headed to the bank right now”

Abe Thompson finished the game off in the 80th minute with one of the slowest breakaways ever, taking an Arturo Alvarez through ball, beating two defenders (causing one to slip and fall) and coolly slotting it home with his left foot. 2-0 Hoops.

BTW, I love how the announcer (I forget his name, he does play-by-play for Fox Soccer Channel) claimed Abe Thompson has a lot of pace as he was about to enter the game, nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s as if they’re just making up facts to fill up airtime.

To quote the game’s color commentator “[FC Dallas is now] carbureting at 100%” and while I’d like to believe the Hoops are strong enough to be considered diesel powered or at least fast and agile enough for a high-efficiency fuel injector metaphor, what are you going to do?

When the Hoops season was young “[they] couldn’t do good, now [they] can’t do bad” so let’s celebrate America’s best team (someone’s beaten Kansas City and Columbus, so they can sit down for a minute) because tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “Fifty Cent.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

But have no fear I tracked down a clip of his stuff on Youtube (although I’ll be honest, in my opinion this is not his best) to get you up to speed. Heenan and I “discussed” FC Dallas, David Beckham, and many other topics involved with Major League Soccer. So to quote the man himself, “pay attention humanoids!”

Me: Hey there Bobby, thanks for doing this interview with me.
Heenan: What are you talking about?

Me: Forget it. Let’s start with the defense, Drew Moor, Duilio Davino and Adrian Serioux have all struggled to hold onto leads late in games.
Heenan: That’s a who’s who of skid row.

M: They haven’t been that bad, but admittedly they do give up some chances.
H: Two things scare me the most about [them] they’re allowed to vote and they’re allowed to reproduce.

M: Oh come on, they helped get a clean sheet against the NY Red Bulls.
H: They’re living proof that the 3 Stooges had children.

M: Yeah but it’s the Red Bulls, even a little dinged up they’re still a solid team.
H: The city of New York could legally condemn them.

M: This isn’t going to end well is it?
H: Do you think this brain thing is a gimmick?

M: *Sighs* Fine, well you have to be impressed with Adrian Serioux’s performance, especially as last week’s game wore on.
H: Million dollar body, ten cent mind, Whoopi Goldberg’s hair.

M: I like dreads.
H: It’s a nice haircut, if you’re going to the chair.

M: Ugh, well you cant have anything bad to say about Juan Toja.
H: Now he’s the sane one on the team?

M: Oh come on.
H: I think he’s ugly.

M: Seriously.
H: We’re watching the illegitimate child of Alfred E. Neumann out here.

M: He’s a great player.
H: How much does he pay you to sing the praises of him all the time?

M: You’re really not going to make this easy are you?
H: I’m a legend. If you don’t believe me, ask me.

M: Well Kenny Cooper, or as we affectionately call him Franken-Cooper, leads the league in goals. How would you rate his performance thus far this season?
H: [I think] he has a disadvantage when he wakes up.

M: That’s not right.
H: I don’t see why!

M: Well you gotta like when he scores a goal and points to God, you gotta respect that.
H: He’s not pointing to anybody; he’s showing off how high he can count.

M: I must have been drunk when I thought this was a good idea.
H: You’re an authority on being loaded.

M: That’s un-called for!
H: You owe me 50 bucks.

M: Moving on, I don’t know if you heard about this or not but there was a sad story regarding FC Dallas defender Alex Yi the other day. He was forced to retire due to a long string of injuries, any comment on this situation?
H: Now when he delivers pizza everyone will know who he is.

M: C’mon he’s headed back to school, that’s a good thing; rumor has it he might even be attending UT-Austin.
H: What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?

M: *Rolls eyes* Anyways, have you seen Arturo Alvarez play? He’s definitely my favorite Hoop this season, so much fun to watch.
H: It’ll take a good man to beat [him], it just won’t take him long.

M: Look, if you’re going to make fun of people, let’s at least make fun of people we can agree on. Are you aware Landon Donovan said that LA were the giants of MLS?
H: If you’re poor and you do something stupid, you’re nuts. If you’re rich and do something stupid, you’re eccentric.

M: I think that comment does come off as hugely ego-maniacal.
H: Yeah, but he’s good at it.

M: What about his fans that always talk about his competitive desire.
H: The guy gave up one time during instructions.

M: HA! Have you ever been to a game in Houston? Have you seen their stadium?
H: That’s the good part of town; there were only 38 cars up on blocks.

M: Good one.
H: Do you realize if an Avalanche hit they could apply for Federal Aid and get 18 or 22 bucks.

M: Okay now, I agree it’s terrible, but it’s not that bad.
H: They should tear it down and build a slum.

M: HA! Let’s get serious for a moment, you’ve undoubtedly heard of David Beckham in America. He’s playing well, but on a terrible team. Would you like to see him go somewhere else in the league where he could be competitive and if so, where could he go?
H: I never know where he is and I don’t care.

M: It can’t be easy for someone used to success to now always be losing, and then you start hearing these rumors…
H: He’s looking for the exit, the quick way out.

M: The way people view his career could be damaged by him staying in LA, couldn’t it?
H: Then again it could increase his IQ by 9 points. That would make it an even 10.

M: Well you gotta like him giving back to the community the way he has.
H: There he goes buying fans again.

M: Terrible. How about this, frequently the refs in this league are railed against for their atrocious decisions, but it’s not an easy job.
H: There’s nothing better than a good, blind referee, except for a rich mother-in-law who likes to go bungee-jumping with a chainsaw.

M: I’m going to ignore the second part of that comment, but you make it sound like the refs are doing this on purpose.
H: [Anybody] can win; it’ll just cost you some money.

M: Wow, okay any last words for the audience?
H: I heard a rumor your mom and dad ran away from home.

Well…that didn’t go…bad, per se.

Let me just end this quick: Dallas. FC. “Finally contemplative.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

Special thanks to these sites: 1, 2 and 3

Welcome to the world’s most favorite player ranking system, the one with the girls. If you missed my New York Red Bull game recap check it out here. But if you just want to see scantily dressed, beautiful women stop reading now and skip ahead.

If anyone was looking for another reason to root for North Texas’ best MLS team remember player rankings and thusly the attractiveness of the women increase in direct proportion to FC Dallas results. So if you’d rather see Jessica Alba than Amy Winehouse root for the Hoops.

Enough of the blustering, let’s get to the women!!!

Dario Sala (GK) – Charlize Theron [7]: Doesn’t have to do much and still looks great.
Adrian Serioux (D) – Elizabeth Hurley [7]: Struggled in the beginning but became a force as the game wore on and that over the top pass to Cooper was a thing of beauty.
Dulio Davino (D) – Carmen Sandiego [4]: I’m not sure that what he adds with his mind isn’t lost by what he can’t do with his body.
Drew Moor (D) – Deal or No Deal model #25 [6]: Pretty good performance but no matter what else he does he’s always going to be remembered for something else.
Andre Rocha (M) – Jamie Lynn Sigler [6]: I can’t argue against someone who produces results even if I think he can be doing a whole lot more.
Pablo Richetti (M) – Jennifer Tilly [6]: Everything you want in a defensive midfielder…plus I wouldn’t mind seeing her pair after the flop (that’s a poker/sex joke, not a good one I know but I don’t care. If I didn’t make someone else would)
Dax McCarty (M) – Kim Kardashian [5]: Last week an argument ensued in the comments section over Kim being a legit 5, which further cements my thinking that if a consensus can’t be built about a performance, said performance must be a 5.
Blake Wagner (M) – Noureen DeWulf [4]: IMDB says this is her resume, I’ve seen some of those movies and I don’t remember her.
Juan Toja (M) – Christina Aguilera after the baby [7]: If that’s the performance we get from him and he’s not 100% then I don’t want him ever to get healthy.
Franken-Cooper (F) – Elvira Mistress of the Dark [7]: Could there really be anyone else for the Franken-Cooper? I admit it would have been perfect if I thought of it after he knocked in that beautiful pair against Houston, but it still works.
Arturo Alvarez (F) – Rashida Jones [7]: I should be upset at him for blowing a 1v1 with the keeper but he scored early, was a threat often and is my favorite Hoop, forgive me for having a soft spot.

Marcelo Saragosa (M) – I don’t remember him
Aaron Pitchkolan (D) – I don’t remember him either
Ricardinho (F) – At least he didn’t blow it this time
GROUP RATING – 3LW [5]: Admit it you don’t remember them either.

So what do you think of the “rankings,” do the numbers match the girls? I want to hear your feedback.

Tonight the Hoops are still technically undefeated so in Dallas we raise a cold one to the boys in red, white and blue because now the FC stands for beginning to “fake competence.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

In case you’ve forgotten this legendary track (shame on you) but here’s the video to bring you to your shun-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees:

“Welcome to the jungle, we’ve got fun and games”
Less than a minute into the match Arturo Alvarez punished the NY backline for shaky marking and headed in a beautiful cross by Andre Rocha. Much like these opening lyrics, Alvarez as a threat would be repeated throughout the night. 1-0 Hoops.

“If you got money honey we got your disease”
The Hoops spent the majority of the game with more time on the ball than anyone should be allowed to have and at times looked downright Arsenal-eque (English version) in their attack putting together pass after pass. They even went so far to copy the Gunner’s style of seemingly failing to attack.

“You’re a very sexy girl, that’s very hard to please”
The 14th minute saw some intricate passing open up the FC Dallas backline with Davino getting beat bad on a through ball to Jozy Altidore. Unfortunately Jozy went all European and fell down in the box begging for a penalty…it never came.

“You can taste the bright lights, but you won’t get them for free.”
Dallas was giving up its fair share of opportunities, but none of them were ever really that dangerous and even the best defenses give up half-chances.

“Ya learn to live like an animal in jungle where we play”
Arturo Alvarez forgot Axl’s heed in the 21st minute when he beat a poorly conceived offside trap, went 1v1 with the keeper and failed to finish his chance.

“If you want it you’re gonna bleed”
Adrian Serioux, who’s pretty decent on the ball, beat Oscar Echeverry 1v1 and instead of him taking it like a man he tackled Adrian from behind drawing a card, but not before Serioux reminded him of where he was.

“If you got a hunger for what you see you’ll take it eventually”
FC Dallas, who had spent the most part of the game building up their attack on the ground, took to the sky and went over the top in the 66th minute on a pass by Adrian Serioux. MLS doesn’t contain a defender who can out muscle Kenny Cooper legally and the Franken-Cooper slotted home his league leading 3rd goal of the campaign. 2-0 Hoops.

“You know where you are, you’re in the jungle baby. You’re gonna die”
Trying to stave off defeat for the first time this season, NY put together a furious push over the last ten minutes to try and get one past Dario Sala. But it was not to be as time ran out and the Hoops brought the Red Bulls to their shun-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees.

So put three points on the board for the Hoops as they not only put together a solid win but stayed focused for 90 minutes. Things are looking up tonight in Dallas where the FC now stands for “finding confidence.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

Words we’ve heard over the airwaves many times whenever the beautiful game is discussed on PTI. These four words are used to hide the fact Tony Kornheiser knows little about soccer other than the existence of Pelé and David Beckham. And although we know his “our” is a euphemism for “my,” we never take a moment to think about some of the sentiment behind his thoughts.

“It’s not our game,” words so presumptuous about American society it’s borderline insanity. The subtext is simple, Americans can’t learn, Americans can’t grow. Those four words claim we were born knowing only a few things and we will die knowing those same few things. I shouldn’t have to tell you how ridiculous, myopic and frankly insulting that is a way to look at our country. His comments force us to assume Kornheiser believes the world to be stagnant; that what will be will be. Yet it’s not hard to see how wrong Tony Kornheiser is, just look around you to see the myriad of things that have changed in our short time on earth. Take for example, the field of sports journalism; the success of Tony’s show, PTI, has transformed an entire vocation of respected journalists into a mass of talking heads yelling back and forth at each other, some half-thought-out, insta-historian argument, but I digress.

15 years ago the only good foreigner at basketball was Lou Gramm (I don’t care what you think that’s a great joke) yet today the NBA is littered with stars from the four corners of the globe. Baseball, another uniquely American game, has spread its wings so wide and for so long that at the recent World Baseball Classic the Dominicans were favored to win the tournament and even they finished fourth behind the Japanese, Cubans and South Koreans.

The question must be asked of Mr. Kornheiser, why does he feel that America is any different? Many nations have been able to co-opt American activities into their sporting culture, yet he believes we are unable to do the same. Is it that America is a lesser nation incapable of growth, or does Kornheiser just view Americans as an arrogant population standing in the way of change? Why can everyone else learn and Americans cannot?

But let’s step back for a moment, say Kornheiser’s basic premise ends up being true and soccer in America eventually goes the way of betamax, videophones, UPN and HD DVD. All that really says about America is that soccer is not for us, not that we couldn’t learn to appreciate it. And it’s completely fine to say “it’s not for me,” the same way Kornheiser always does whenever PTI discusses mixed martial arts. But to say, “it’s not our game,” is to say we can’t grow, we can’t change, that America is as it always will be, but that’s not the America we love and its not the America any of us live in.

So the next time you hear Kornheiser say “it’s not our game,” think about what he really means and let him know you’re not happy about it because tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “frankly criticize” those who don’t believe in America.

HOOPS PRIDE!