Our last South American mistake….

With the holidays over I am in the mood to talk soccer. In the off-season there isnt much going with FC Dallas on Worldcup way. But the one thing that still makes me want to pull my hair out is the bus drivers incessant need to play this is your life with over the hill South American soccer players. We have had yet another over the hill South American player attached to our team. His name really doesnt matter cause all the applicable character traits are there…..was great once….cant find a top flight team in his own country…..is escaping to the MLS to revitalize career. BTW what was up with Steven Appiah. Did you honestly think he was going to come to the MLS over the EPL or any of the more “established” leagues in Europe? He has to be on the downside of his career to consider the MLS remember!

Schellas we have the players right here. Look to what you have on the bench. Go and apologize to Dax and hope he doesnt want to go to LA. Get some of the players that you didnt pick up back under contract. And go to work. Dont whine about playing your game. Dont whine about not having your players. We dont need someone elses problems. We are partners with one of the best teams in South America. Take advantage of the young talent in their system if your going to bring in South American talent. But oh yeah youth is not the way you are going to take this team. We are just one 30 year old away from the playoffs…..Jeff Cunningham anyone? There are reasons why these 30+ year old players dont make teams in their own countries.

Fulham FC does not like black people…HA!

I’ve been waiting to make that joke for about a week now, glad my internet is back.

Congrats on staying up Fulham.

Dallas. FC. “Fun and Camaraderie.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

If FC Dallas is not better than Manchester United then we’re the closest ones. (shout out to Jay-Z)

Yeah, you read that right.

No wait, lemme change something.

FC Dallas is better than Manchester United.

Okay, I’m getting a bit carried away.

As you can tell I’m feeling real good right now. Another 2-0 victory, this time over everyone’s (except mine) preseason favorite to lift silverware, Chivas USA; FC Dallas now stands alone as the only undefeated team in the league.

And while this feeling may pass after New England comes to Texas (they’re tough) for the next few days you’re going to have to deal with the notion of FC Dallas as the best team in the league (suck it Houston). I don’t care that other teams have more points because as of today April 21st, 2008 MLS is a league full of loser’s, except the boys from Frisco. For every team in the league you can make the argument “How could you beat Manchester United, if you can’t beat team ‘X’” But you can’t say that about Dallas – at least not till Thursday (and please don’t talk to me about draws either because I’m in a good place right now, who knows how long this may last, you’d just be harshing my mellow to bring that up.)

Now, I’m not normally one for “power rankings,” teams go up and down based on no real rationale. They can rise when they lose, fall when they win and be ranked lower than a team they actually beat, it seems like nothing more than a sports beauty pageant. But today I’m making an exception. Pick up your papers and read your blogs, if you see one that isn’t written out exactly like this (or some close facsimile) the writer is either an idiot, a moron or from Houston (in which case they’re probably both):

1. FC Dallas
2. Some bums
3. Bunch of losers
4. A group of pansies
5. Another group of pansies
6. Some more bums
7. God, there are a lot of bums in this league
8. These guys suck
9. I don’t care they’re not Dallas
10. Air Bud: World Pup, not the dog himself, an actual DVD of the film
11. Why do they have a team?
12. Some more losers
13. Houston
14. Whoever’s worst than Houston

Today is a great day.

This may all change Thursday mind you (New England is tough) but until then you’re going to have to deal with me losing my mind to deliriousness. I’ll have a match report and player rankings up soon (beautiful women for everybody!!!) but there is a smile on my face because we rest comfortably tonight, because tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “first class.”

HOOPS PRIDE!!!

It’s a well known fact that I really don’t like Houston and its been awhile since I made fun of it. Anyone that’s ever been there will tell you that Houston changes who you are and not in a good way, so much so that if celebrities were actually born and raised there it would change there entire appearance.

Therefore I present to you: Celebrities, if they were from Houston.

Pam Anderson

John Travolta

Jennifer Aniston


Gwen Stefani


Ashlee Simpson

Tara Reid

Sharon Stone

Ann Coulter

I don’t know about you but I think the Jennifer Aniston one was the best, although the Ann Coulter and Sharon Stone pictures are classics. The Tara Reid picture though looks more like someone had access to a future camera than handy Photoshop work.

That’s it for now but tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “frequently cackling” at those bums down south.

HOOPS PRIDE!

Click here for the Stephen Colbert for FC Dallas fan president petition

I really do like this new Nike campaign “My Better is better than your Better.” Makes me wanna get out there and prove some people wrong. But in watching this spot I realized that Nike has been punked. Check the: 35 mark, we see the back of a then unknown athlete running down a hall, the camera then turns around and reveals said athlete is…LANDON DONOVAN!

Yes, Mr. Bianca Kajlich is in a commercial showcasing his desire to be better. The same clown who was twice given a shot with Bundesliga side Bayer Leverkusen and gave up when things got too hard is promoting giving it your all to be better. If this isn’t the definition of “do as I say, not as I do” I don’t know what is.

Hey Landon if you wanna be better, grow a pair; if not leave the acting to your wife. She would look better in this picture anyways.

Landon is a punk and in Dallas whenever he’s involved the FC stands for “forget congeniality.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

I think we can all agree that this quote is the biggest lie told by someone representing our country since they said that the Iraq War would pay for itself (or when Bill Clinton said he didn’t have sex “with that woman”…depending on what side of the aisle you wish to sit on.) This is the definition of a “liar, liar, pants on fire” situation, to believe Landon Donovan would be to believe in the Easter Bunny or the return of Britney Spears career. He is a hypocrite of the highest order and to prove my point I have included five instances of Landon Donovan: Super-jerk purposefully acting ways that would leave one filled no other emotion than hate and/or disgust. These are in no particular order; also feel free to add your own because I’m sure he’s done more than this:

* During a qualification match for the 2002 World Cup Landon scored a goal against Mexico and proceeded to shout in Spanish “Where is Mexico?”

*After scoring LA’s fifth goal in a Superliga match against FC Dallas Landon ran over to the Hoops fans and simulated slitting their throats.

*Before a 2004 game in Mexico Landon urinated on the Chivas Guadalajara field while saying “this is my territory.” (I know the facts in this story are highly debatable but since Landon Donovan is officially on notice this is the version of the facts I’m using)

*After being given a second attempt on a penalty (he needed two chances because we all know he’s not good at these types of things) Landon showed his contempt for the military by staring down Argentine lieutenant Dario Sala.

*The undated quote “I hate Mexico” that has been attributed to him many times (Again…facts, scmacks, this is the version of truth I’m using)

Feel free to add your own because I’m sure I missed some of Landon’s “exploits.” I’m going to keep at this until I’m bored which could be awhile because in Dallas the FC stands for “fists of carnage.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

In case you forgot his transgressions on July 31st in the final match of group play in the Superliga, Mr. Bianca Kajlich scored a goal in the 84th minute and proceeded to run towards the Dallas fans and simulate slitting the throat of each and every one of them. And to add insult to insult, three days ago when Mr. “I’m-afraid-to-leave-home-because-the-big-bad-wolf-will-eat-me” scored a penalty and had the ball roll back out the net so he struck it again while giving ‘keeper Dario Sala the type of cold stare his wife must have taught him because at 5’8”, 158 he’s not built to back up any type of threat. He would have gotten away with each act of aggression if both times someone didn’t have to remind the ref that what Landycakes did was against the rules.

So from now on it’s on, Landon Donovan is public enemy number, well I don’t know but he’s a public enemy in Dallas where for him the FC now stands for “forget congeniality.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

I decided to write a song for him; here’s the musical accompaniment, its a ukulele piece. Brian Ching is from Hawaii (Natasha Kai is better) so it just seems right…the audio clip is really short so get the melody in your head and go from there or just keep re-starting it.

I call this song “Off the Post.”

Chorus
Off the post
the best he can do is off the post
He might think he is better than most
he’s dumber than toast
He’s off the post

Verse 1
Brian Ching is an idiot
took two hours to watch 60 minutes
He gets a bowl when its chilly outside
to put it on his fries
He’s off the post

Chorus 2x

Verse 2
When its Halloween
I grab a Chingy mask and make people scream
He looks like what gets stuck to my shoe
when I’m walking in poo
He’s off the post.

Chorus 2x

Verse 3
We all know he flops to the turf
For some reason he likes to surf
I guess that means he’ll be hitting the water
His belt is a garter
He’s off the post

Chorus

Don’t mess with Dallas because the FC stands for “fervently creating.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

If you haven’t heard yet Saturday is a big game in MLS. “El capitan” is up for grabs, but more importantly is the direction of the western conference for the next month or so. I would say Saturday is the preeminent battle between good and evil, but those Dreamsicles wouldn’t know what “preeminent” meant so I’ll step down to their level and say it’s like Bugs Bunny versus Yosemite Sam and I’m here to dare them to “step across that line.”

So without any further Apu (I hadn’t thrown one of those references in there for awhile), my top ten favorite Houston Dynamo fan insults:

10. Houston Dynamo fans are so fat it looks like they’re smuggling Ford Escorts.

9. Houston Dynamo fans are so stupid if you tell them to squeal like a pig they’ll go “moo.”

8. Houston Dynamo fans are so stank they sweat Black Flag.

7. The Houston Dynamo girls are so fat they have to put on lipstick with a paint roller.

6. Houston Dynamo fans are so ugly they look out the window and get arrested for mooning.

5. Houston Dynamo fans are so dirty they have to creep up on bathwater.

4. Houston Dynamo fans are so fat the backs of their necks look like a pack of hot dogs.

3. Houston Dynamo fans are so stupid they take toilet paper to crap games.

2. Houston Dynamo fans are so ugly when they walk into a bank security turns the surveillance cameras off.

1. Houston Dynamo fans are so stupid when filling out job applications on the part where it says ‘sign here’ they put ‘Aquarius.’

So that’s it for today (tonight) if you got any great ones send them this way because this is Dallas where the FC stands for “Full of Comedy” (yeah, I know ‘of’ is in there, but these aren’t easy.)

HOOPS PRIDE!

Shout outs to the Dirty Dozens home game for a couple of those jokes.