50 Cent writes a song for FC Dallas!!!

By: Robert | April 22nd, 2008

I don’t want to turn this “music lyrics as form of sports analysis” into a regular thing here because I’m sure it’s been done before somewhere else. But sometimes inspiration strikes and yesterday while I was at the gym (longtime readers will remember something like this is my New Year’s resolution) 50 Cent’s “I Get Money” shuffled itself across my iPod and it hit me, “He’s talking about the Hoops.”

For those of you that have never heard 50’s hit single, the video is linked below. He spends almost the entire song throwing the gauntlet down on simple extravagances such as TV’s in the headrest or 24 inch Giovanni rims and redefines what ballin’ truly is (are you starting to see the FC Dallas metaphor yet?) Anyways, after the jump is a recap of the most recent Hoops win over Chivas USA narrated by one, Curtis Jackson.

“I took quarter water sold it in bottles for two bucks, Coca-Cola came and bought it for billions what the f**k!?!”

Three minutes into the game FC Dallas gave the goats a preview of the shock to come when Rocha’s cross to an open Alvarez went a bit high. But two minutes later Dax McCarty sent another cross towards the goal mouth and Ricardihno headed it to the feet of Kenny Cooper who slammed it home to grab the league lead in goals for the non-Beckham assisted division. 1-0 Hoops.

“Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire. I write the check before the baby comes, who the f**k cares?”

In the 18th minute Chivas was putting together an attractive counter-attack when Duilio Davino leveled Kraig Chiles with a professional foul stopping the action, as the ref ran in to say something to Davino he responded by saying “meh” in Spanish.

“I’m stanky rich, Imma die tryin’ a spend this sh*t”

In the 24th minute FC Dallas created another great scoring chance as Ricardihno slotted a great through ball to Arturo Alvarez who had a great opportunity to put the Hoops up 2-0 but the ball was on his right foot and that’s a bit like Landon in front of an open goal…

“I blood clot, chop ya leg, do not f**k with the kid”

Forwards cannot pay defense, I don’t know why, you’d think someone who spends all his time trying to score would understand how to legally stop someone from doing to same, But the 27th minute featured a great example of a “forward’s tackle” when the 19 year old Richardihno clobbered Jesse Marsh from behind. Jesse Marsh’s thigh and I thought it might be a yellow, the ref disagreed.

“I did play the block, now I play on boats”

I’ve rightly criticized Blake Wagner for doing almost nothing so far this year but against Chivas Blake took his first step towards relevence while on the pitch. He almost scored twice around the half-hour mark, first off a Drew Moor cross and moments later from a throw-in by Adrian Serioux. Hey Blake, welcome to the big boys game.

“You can call this my new sh*t, but it aint new though”

Right before half Chivas forward Kraig Chiles had a great look at goal but Super Dario came up with another acrobatic high-flying save, proving once again he’s one of the best keeper’s in the league.

“I got rid of my old b***h, now I got new hoes”

Going into the game the discussion centered on the missing Chivas USA players, conveniently forgetting that the Hoops were also missing two of their best players: Juan Toja and Pablo Richetti.

“I’m so forgetful they callin’ me cocky”

Three versus two should always result in a chance on goal, but Ricardihno blew it in the second half as he tried to go it alone and turned a 3v2 into a 1v2 with predictable results.

“Ha ha, I’m headed to the bank right now”

Abe Thompson finished the game off in the 80th minute with one of the slowest breakaways ever, taking an Arturo Alvarez through ball, beating two defenders (causing one to slip and fall) and coolly slotting it home with his left foot. 2-0 Hoops.

BTW, I love how the announcer (I forget his name, he does play-by-play for Fox Soccer Channel) claimed Abe Thompson has a lot of pace as he was about to enter the game, nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s as if they’re just making up facts to fill up airtime.

To quote the game’s color commentator “[FC Dallas is now] carbureting at 100%” and while I’d like to believe the Hoops are strong enough to be considered diesel powered or at least fast and agile enough for a high-efficiency fuel injector metaphor, what are you going to do?

When the Hoops season was young “[they] couldn’t do good, now [they] can’t do bad” so let’s celebrate America’s best team (someone’s beaten Kansas City and Columbus, so they can sit down for a minute) because tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “Fifty Cent.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

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