Beautiful women as soccer analysis

By: Robert | March 17th, 2008

In an effort to make soccer analysis more enjoyable I’ve decided to forgo the usual player ranking system of 1-10 for a more enticing system of attractive female pictures. The premise will remain exactly the same, the better the performance the hotter the female. In fact since almost all soccer performance is subjective we will still be able to debate “talent” and “achievements” while still discussing open goals, touchlines, headers, handballs, in-swingers and any other soccer double entendre.

But I do need your help, I’m struggling to put together my list and it’s still incomplete. So I am asking for suggestions to fill in the blanks. There is one caveat though; it’s too easy to take shots at the mustached, fat girl who plays D&D on Saturday nights, so leave her out of this. All people nominated for an opening must be famous or semi-famous and each nomination must include some reason. There is no right or wrong answer, think of it as a free chance to make all the snarky, catty and tart comments you ever wanted to make. Don’t worry about doubling or even tripling up on responses, these replies can and will be used throughout the year, for instance:

5. Kim Kardashian: I’m going to have to re-watch that performance a couple of times before I find something of note.
5. Bianca Kajlich: Not bad, but being married to Landon means I have to question how she thinks things through.
5. Rihanna: She looks like fembot and for all their strengths robots have obvious weaknesses.
*Yes, all the pictures are work safe.*

So here’s my list, hopefully you can help me fill in the spaces.

10. Halle Berry: Consistent greatness, there will never be another. That and Monster’s Ball.

9. Jessica Alba: Soccer announcers always talk about a dream sequence, so do I.
9. Scarlett Johansson: Boobs, no attempt at humor, just boobs.

6. Rosalyn Sanchez: Very beautiful but for some reason not thought very highly of, seems like a soccer six.

5. See above.

4. Kiera Knightly: She’s TOO damn skinny; teams that don’t play the ball out wide are never effective.

3. Fergie: Peeing on yourself has to be the soccer equivalent of being directly involved in allowing multiple shots on goal.
3. Tara Conner: Making out with another beauty pageant winner rates highly in my book but cocaine is a huge problem and huge problems lead to goals allowed.

2. Britney Spears: (Train wreck joke)

1. Mary Kate Olson: Is she a tramp, is she a hobo, is she Ashley? If you don’t know what’s she’s doing its gotta be bad.

That’s my list, what’s your because tonight in Dallas the FC stands for “Female Comparisons.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

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