Beautiful women rank soccer players.

By: Robert | April 24th, 2008

Welcome once again to my world famous player ranking system…the one with girls. By now you should already understand the concept. Better play = more attractive women. But if for some reason you need a refresher course, here’s the original concept.

Today, we’re discussing the Hoops 2-0 win over Chivas USA. If you missed my game recap, click here, but since I’m sure you’re already saying “Robert, skip the intro, show me the ladies,” let’s get to the fun.

Kenny Cooper (F) – The “perfect” woman, read the “perfect woman” article here [6]: If I told you there was a 6’3”, 207lbs forward who was built like an NFL fullback and pretty adept with the ball at his feet, your mind would begin to conjure up images of the world’s greatest scoring threat. And while there’s nothing wrong with the Franken-Cooper something seems to be missing.
Ricardihno (F) – Christina Applegate from ‘Married with Children’ [6]: Just watching him you can see the talent is there, but watch him long enough and you realize growing needs to be done.
Arturo Alvarez (M) – sane Mariah Carey [6]: It feels like he’s holding back; there is no one in this league who can stop him and yet…
Dax McCarty (M) – Mya [5]: The talent is there but watching him you realize he could be doing so much more.
Blake Wagner (M) – Hayden Panettiere [5]: I’m not sure if she’s legal so let me choose my words carefully: One day he could be something.
Marcelo Saragosa (M) – Erika Christensen aka the other Julia Stiles [6]: Played in place of Pablo Richetti and was just about as good, with a few minor differences.
Andre Rocha (M) – Kelly Hu [6]: When is he going to make that leap from solid bit player to something special? I know he’s good at what he does but I also know he’s better than this.
Adrian Serioux (D) – Taryn Manning [7]: In Hustle & Flow she was dirty, did what needed to be done, even wore braids. And I don’t know about you, but I thought she was hot.
Duilio Davino (D) – Stacey Dash [7]: When older players put together a performance like that you stand up and take notice.
Drew Moor (D) – Denise Richards [7]: Did you see that scene in ‘Wild Things’? Drew played his part in this strong threesome.
Dario Sala (G) – crazy Mariah Carey [8]: Everything you want in a keeper.

Abe Thompson (F) – Angel Lola Luv [7]: Watching that “breakaway” I thought to myself this can’t be real, but you know the old cliché: It’s real if I can touch it.
Aaron Pitchkolan (D) – Deal or No Deal model #8 [5]: I picked this number out of a hat because you’re not going to remember that performance or what she looks like.
Brek Shea (D) – young, but legal Britney Spears [4]: How did he get a yellow? He was only in the game for a minute; nothing could have gotten under his skin that quick.

Frequent readers of my site may realize that this is the first game in which the defense outranked the offense. Let’s hope that defensive performance is not an aberration and is a sign of things to come because an offense that puts up two goals a game and a defense that only allows two chances a game will win a lot of matches.

No time to celebrate tonight in Dallas, grab your dollar beers and dollar brats (great promotion by the way) and get to Pizza Hut Park because New England is about to give the Hoops a run for their money. Hopefully tomorrow the FC in Dallas will stand for more beautiful “female celebrities.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

FC Dallas logo