Bobby “the Brain” Heenan discusses FC Dallas, Beckham and more.

By: Robert | April 17th, 2008

Welcome to an extra-special FC Dallas post, today I have “put together” an “interview” with former wrestler/manager/wrestling commentator and legend Bobby “the Brain” Heenan. If you don’t know the man’s work, where were you in the 80s?

But have no fear I tracked down a clip of his stuff on Youtube (although I’ll be honest, in my opinion this is not his best) to get you up to speed. Heenan and I “discussed” FC Dallas, David Beckham, and many other topics involved with Major League Soccer. So to quote the man himself, “pay attention humanoids!”

Me: Hey there Bobby, thanks for doing this interview with me.
Heenan: What are you talking about?

Me: Forget it. Let’s start with the defense, Drew Moor, Duilio Davino and Adrian Serioux have all struggled to hold onto leads late in games.
Heenan: That’s a who’s who of skid row.

M: They haven’t been that bad, but admittedly they do give up some chances.
H: Two things scare me the most about [them] they’re allowed to vote and they’re allowed to reproduce.

M: Oh come on, they helped get a clean sheet against the NY Red Bulls.
H: They’re living proof that the 3 Stooges had children.

M: Yeah but it’s the Red Bulls, even a little dinged up they’re still a solid team.
H: The city of New York could legally condemn them.

M: This isn’t going to end well is it?
H: Do you think this brain thing is a gimmick?

M: *Sighs* Fine, well you have to be impressed with Adrian Serioux’s performance, especially as last week’s game wore on.
H: Million dollar body, ten cent mind, Whoopi Goldberg’s hair.

M: I like dreads.
H: It’s a nice haircut, if you’re going to the chair.

M: Ugh, well you cant have anything bad to say about Juan Toja.
H: Now he’s the sane one on the team?

M: Oh come on.
H: I think he’s ugly.

M: Seriously.
H: We’re watching the illegitimate child of Alfred E. Neumann out here.

M: He’s a great player.
H: How much does he pay you to sing the praises of him all the time?

M: You’re really not going to make this easy are you?
H: I’m a legend. If you don’t believe me, ask me.

M: Well Kenny Cooper, or as we affectionately call him Franken-Cooper, leads the league in goals. How would you rate his performance thus far this season?
H: [I think] he has a disadvantage when he wakes up.

M: That’s not right.
H: I don’t see why!

M: Well you gotta like when he scores a goal and points to God, you gotta respect that.
H: He’s not pointing to anybody; he’s showing off how high he can count.

M: I must have been drunk when I thought this was a good idea.
H: You’re an authority on being loaded.

M: That’s un-called for!
H: You owe me 50 bucks.

M: Moving on, I don’t know if you heard about this or not but there was a sad story regarding FC Dallas defender Alex Yi the other day. He was forced to retire due to a long string of injuries, any comment on this situation?
H: Now when he delivers pizza everyone will know who he is.

M: C’mon he’s headed back to school, that’s a good thing; rumor has it he might even be attending UT-Austin.
H: What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?

M: *Rolls eyes* Anyways, have you seen Arturo Alvarez play? He’s definitely my favorite Hoop this season, so much fun to watch.
H: It’ll take a good man to beat [him], it just won’t take him long.

M: Look, if you’re going to make fun of people, let’s at least make fun of people we can agree on. Are you aware Landon Donovan said that LA were the giants of MLS?
H: If you’re poor and you do something stupid, you’re nuts. If you’re rich and do something stupid, you’re eccentric.

M: I think that comment does come off as hugely ego-maniacal.
H: Yeah, but he’s good at it.

M: What about his fans that always talk about his competitive desire.
H: The guy gave up one time during instructions.

M: HA! Have you ever been to a game in Houston? Have you seen their stadium?
H: That’s the good part of town; there were only 38 cars up on blocks.

M: Good one.
H: Do you realize if an Avalanche hit they could apply for Federal Aid and get 18 or 22 bucks.

M: Okay now, I agree it’s terrible, but it’s not that bad.
H: They should tear it down and build a slum.

M: HA! Let’s get serious for a moment, you’ve undoubtedly heard of David Beckham in America. He’s playing well, but on a terrible team. Would you like to see him go somewhere else in the league where he could be competitive and if so, where could he go?
H: I never know where he is and I don’t care.

M: It can’t be easy for someone used to success to now always be losing, and then you start hearing these rumors…
H: He’s looking for the exit, the quick way out.

M: The way people view his career could be damaged by him staying in LA, couldn’t it?
H: Then again it could increase his IQ by 9 points. That would make it an even 10.

M: Well you gotta like him giving back to the community the way he has.
H: There he goes buying fans again.

M: Terrible. How about this, frequently the refs in this league are railed against for their atrocious decisions, but it’s not an easy job.
H: There’s nothing better than a good, blind referee, except for a rich mother-in-law who likes to go bungee-jumping with a chainsaw.

M: I’m going to ignore the second part of that comment, but you make it sound like the refs are doing this on purpose.
H: [Anybody] can win; it’ll just cost you some money.

M: Wow, okay any last words for the audience?
H: I heard a rumor your mom and dad ran away from home.

Well…that didn’t go…bad, per se.

Let me just end this quick: Dallas. FC. “Finally contemplative.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

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