“Cannon” Fodder

By: Robert | June 11th, 2007

I told people unmotivated attacks at perceived slights are what I do best but apparently Laurie from LA “Star Search” (there are no stars in that galaxy, they had to go across the pond to find one) needs to be taught a lesson. So consider this post exhibit A in the state vs. FC Dallas (literary assault – special digital circumstances.) When struck we Hoops strike back with the “power of a million hydrogen bombs (I had to get my Simpsons reference in somewhere…and yes, I’m aware it’s quite obscure.)

I’m going to break down our game against LA using the final battle from 8 Mile as a guide (B.Rabbit v Poppa Doc… and yes, I’m fully aware it would have been more ironic to use 2Pac to attack LA.) But Eminem once said “overreaction‘s my only reaction,” so consider this step 1 (Oh and don’t feel bad for her, she started this, I just won’t let it go.) For those of you who didn’t see the movie or forgot the scene, here it is:

“Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?!?”
Walking out on the pitch to play the 2-time US Open Cup Champions, the 2-time MLS Cup Champions, the 2-time Supporter’s Shield Champions, you’d think there would be a bit of fear lingering in the air because clearly they were the more historically accomplished side. But not today, with Donovan gone, Albright gone, basically anybody that knew that soccer was the game in which you couldn’t use your hands was somewhere else; there was never a reason to be afraid of the team that buys its underwear on Rodeo Dr. (oh and its pronounced Ro-DEE-o not Ro-DAY-o)

“This guy aint no motherf**king emcee, I know everything he’s about to say against me”
With a defense near the bottom of the table in goals allowed and Carlos Ruiz on international duty, the LA denizens believed this was the time they would be able to walk in our house and grab all three points.

“This guy’s a gangster?!? His real name is Clarence”
The game started off with the Ga-lazy believing they could hang with the Hoops for 90mins. Dominic Oduru had his early shot on goal easily saved by Joe Cannon but Juan Toja was another matter. In the 24th minute he took the ball from LA “defender” Vagenas and hit a shot from an angle that mathematicians are still trying to solve. 1-0 Hoops.

“I do got a dumb friend named Cheddar Bob, who shoots himself in his leg with his own gun”
In the 41st Chris Gbandi robbed “Old Man” Jones of a sure goal only to have luck on the side of Paris Hilton and friends as the ball dropped the feet of Robbie Findley. 1-1

“Ain’t no such things as halfway crooks”
Coming back from the break the LA pansies still hadn’t figure out how to handle Dominic Oduru (coaches are supposed figure that out you know.) He split two “defenders” in the 46th minute only to shoot over the net and then a few minutes later was maliciously hacked by Ty Harden for a penalty that Abe Thompson easily put home. 2-1 Hoops

“I’m a piece of f**king white trash, I say it proudly”
Dax McCarty came off the bench to hit a beautiful free kick in the 73rd minute that Drew Moor put in with a daring diving header (and no, the white trash thing is not a reference to Dax McCarty’s skin tone, it’s a reference to his coming off the bench and not complaining, just getting the job done.) And with that, the game was over (3-1 Hoops,) or so we thought…

“I did get jumped, by all six of you chumps”
After being eaten alive all day by the Dallas offense, LA “defender” Tyrone Marshall decided he was going to take a cheap shot on Kenny Cooper with a flying leg kick better suited for an anime fight than the soccer pitch. He got a red card, Kenny got a broken leg.

“I know something about you; you went to Cranbrook that’s a private school”
Because LA isn’t actually good enough to compete in MLS the next time we play them they probably will have gotten their new player from La Liga, its not going to help though, because this is Dallas, where the FC stand for “Fiery Competitors”

HOOPS PRIDE!

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