Life as a soccer fan in America and the New England/FC Dallas game recap.

By: Robert | April 25th, 2008

“You want to watch what?!?” Samantha asked.
“Soccer” I replied.
“I-I-I don’t think we get that.”
“Just turn to ESPN2”

And with that, my adventure began. I didn’t want to watch the FC Dallas/New England Revolution game at home so I decided to go somewhere where soccer was not king (pretty easy to find…I chose Buffalo Wild Wings), attempt to watch the game and live the events that transpired. I brought my notebook to take notes about the game and my experiences, so what follows is to the best of my ability completely accurate.

I decided to sit in the main room, right in front of a television. If I was any distance from a TV set showing soccer people may assume no ones watching and try to change the channel. So I’m here at a table for four, alone. I wonder how this looks. You know what strikes me as odd though, besides the MLS game, there are the NBA playoffs on tonight (and I think hockey as well) and yet all the TV’s have either NFL draft coverage or some BW3’s trivia game; such is life in a football (American version) mad city.

2’ – Damn, I’m got here on-time, but trying to convince Samantha that soccer is on TV and getting her to go to the right channel made me miss the lineups, I can’t tell who’s playing. There’s Cooper, Moor, Serioux…this is gonna be tough, there’s some other guy, hey there’s Dax.

3’ – I guess I should mention that there’s no sound available, but I do have closed captioning. Although as someone who works in TV, I know that unless you’re paying constant attention, closed captioning is useless. I keep looking down at my notebook trying to write my thoughts and therefore closed captioning is useless. At least I can’t hear Eric Wynalda say something crazy

3’ – Oh yeah, Eric Wynalda got fired, I forgot that.

3’ – Franken-Cooper dances around with the ball then crosses it into the area where no one is waiting. I don’t understand, he had to have seen no one there.

Alright I need a beer and wings. Thursday’s here are 50¢ boneless wings and while I usually like bones in my wings, a lack of bones will suffice. I told Samantha six Honey BBq and she looked at me odd, I know it may seem like a small order but I’ll be here awhile, I’ll get more later. Looking at this beer menu they have all the normal stuff plus a few things I didn’t expect them to have (Stella, Newcastle) so kudos to them. I’m in an enterprising mood so Killians it is; it’s actually my first Killians ever. BW3’s is going to take my Killian’s virginity, please be gentle.

A random server comes up to me with a confused look on his face and asks me what I’m watching, his name is Aiton and after me telling him FC Dallas/New England he replied with “You actually watch MLS?” I didn’t think this conversation would end well but he surprised me when he said “I’m a huge Barca fan,” my spirits immediately picked up, Hey, I’m not alone. He asked me if I had seen the Man U/Barca game, I had, but before I could reply he said “Can you believe Ronaldo missed that penalty? I mean I’m not mad I didn’t want him to win, but still.” That statement set off my irony meter because I realized he looked an awful lot like CR7, if CR7 shrank six inches, added about 20 pounds and took the product out of his hair. If I was good at Photoshop I would show you.

8’ – Hoops look terrible in front of the goal. Or as Stephen A. Smith would say…ever since I’ve seen that video I’ve struggled pronouncing “terrible” all I want to do is a Stephen A. impression.

12’ – Great defensive effort by Dax. It’s a shame that that idiot Peter Nowak is using Dax correctly and Steve Morrow has him out of position. In his Steve’s defense though, the Hoops have like ten quality defensive midfielders.

WTF is up with Alvarez’s hair? Blond tips? Are we a boy band now? The only boy band move I remember is the hand wave thing from N’Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” video. I really don’t feel like learning any new dance steps, I just figured out how to do the Soulja Boy dance the other day. Aaron Carter must be rolling over in his grave.

14’ – Cooper is too cute with the ball. Whoa! Who got behind Serioux?!? Good thing he missed the header.

Oh yeah, Aaron Carter is not actually dead.

15’ – Wagner out muscled.

17’ – Saragosa got a good look at goal, but its just wide. Hey wait, that’s offense from him. Congrats Marcelo!

Samantha keeps coming by and asking if I need anything, she must want a good tip, either that or she’s annoyed at my original six wing order.

What’s that song from Wayne’s World, the scene where Garth puts the quarter in the machine and dances for that hot girl. Argh! This is going to bother me. Anyways, I just noticed its playing right now.

20’ – Sala with a good save falling to his left. Where are FC Dallas’ offensive chances?

22’ – BOOK HIM REF!!! Moor was undercut going for a header. How does the ref not flash some yellow for that?

You want to look odd, jump up in a place, yelling at a sporting event no one else cares about.

Someone finally turned one of the bigger TV’s to basketball and conversation around me turns to Kobe vs. Lebron.

Need more wings. Six again, Garlic Parmesan this time. I never really liked that flavor but for some reason I always seem to run to them.

*** I was looking up health info on Garlic Parmesan sauce and found this, I have no segue just click here***

27’ – Rocha is getting forward…yay! Is it just me or is Cooper everywhere, I would ask someone but by the confused looks on people’s faces it’s just me watching soccer.

30’ – Hey there’s Davino! I’ve now seen all the Dallas players.

TRIVIA QUESTION: The Paris to Dakar car and motorcycle rally is one of the world’s toughest tests for man and machine, but in which country is Dakar?

A) Chad
B) Mali
C) Senegal
D) Niger

32’ – Blake has his shot deflected, not much I know but it’s the second time this game I noticed him. That’s a huge step for him.

TRIVIA ANSWER: C) Senegal…I knew that one.

Dax looks incredible, he’s breaking everything up, getting back on defense. If he learns how to play offense Bob Bradley may tell Benny Feilhaber to shove it and go home, because the postion next to Michael Bradley might just be filled.

Basketball update: This player on the Washington Wizards looks like Mr. T in reverse with a Mohawk on his beard. I hope I can find a picture of that.

Either my mind is in the gutter (it’s been known to reside there) or this foot long Subway commercial is really suggestive. Every woman I see make that “12 inches” hand gesture makes me think “I know what she really means”…and then I think of that scene from “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” and laugh.

Is it just me or does team prep school have more black guys than I remember. I thought New England was all sweater vests, polo shirts and Birkenstocks. I know that doesn’t mean these guys can’t be down but it seems odd. I think I’m missing something.

41’ – Poor clearance by the Hoops – that should have been a goal

42’ – Cooper knocked down by Reis in the box. POINT TO THE SPOT REF!!!

43’ – Moor let someone behind him who got a great head on it, Sala there. Whew.

Where did the FC Dallas possession go? We should be down a goal right now.

I need a new beer.

Halftime.

If you’re wondering why I only drank one beer it’s because I’m writing, eating wings of the boneless variety, watching the Hoops and half watching Cavs/Wizards. Not much time to drink, I need to re-prioritize.

This Taco Bell commercial, the girl with the bacon taco in her purse: I’m not 100% sure I wouldn’t fall for that. What does that make me?

I look like a loner. I do have friends, lemme not tell anyone I’m a blogger that’ll just re-affirm stereotypes.

I just got asked if am I doing homework, I guess I still look young +1. I laughed and replied no, I’m taking notes for a blog -1. Damn, I shouldn’t have said that.

The only highlights ESPN showed from the Rangers/Fiorentina game were a useless foray forward by some Rangers player and a shot from too far out by an Italian. Was that game really that boring?

New beer time, I’m going Newcastle, I like Newcastle. Oh and six more wings, Teriyaki this time. Is that 18? I told you this would begin to add up.

Question: do Chelsea/Liverpool fans enjoy the way their teams play when they play one another? I don’t watch that much Chelsea or Liverpool , but I’ve seen enough to know that they bore me, do they always play like that?

I like this Adidas commercial, Beckham practicing with the LA strikeforce, HA!

And we’re back…

45’ – Cooper is 6’3”, 207 why is he always on the ground?

46’ – Does any MLS team try as many back heel passes and other soccer tricks as FC Dallas? They don’t all work, but it’s a creativity I don’t see around the league, then again I only watch FC Dallas and whoever is playing FC Dallas.

The Miley Cyrus crowd just arrived, a bunch of kids 14-16…maybe…who drove them here?

47’ – I’m liking all the possession

One of the Miley Cyrus boys is looking at me odd because I have a notebook and I’m watching soccer. Do I A) throw something at him B) Yell at him C) Feebly ignore him while they make jokes at my expense?

52’ – Alvarez had a decent shot…near post. Last year he did this all the time, stop shooting near post. Teams have scouts and if I see it I know they do. Shouldn’t Steve Morrow tell him “Hey Arturo, they know.”

Damn I choose ‘C’. I hate teenagers. I wonder how ridiculous this looks.

Wait, ESPN just said Davino is our designated player. That’s not true.

55’ – Serioux is pretty decent on the ball…jinxed him, he gave it up.

Aiton came back, he actually thinks what I’m doing is pretty cool, so I pitch the site to him dallas.theoffside.com. (Hey Laurie, NEW READER!!!) He asks me how I became an FC Dallas fan, I tell him FIFA ’06 Eddie Johnson and Carlos Ruiz at forward, the first season I played with them, Eddie scored 27 goals and Carlos had 40. That was fun.

59’ – The manager tries to change the channel, as I’m sitting right in front of him. Argument ensues. He says no one is watching, I show him my notebook, he relents. The Miley Cyrus kids shrink back into their booth, if I find out one of them put the manager up to this I’m finding out what car they borrowed from their parents and slicing their car tires. That’s one of the benefits of getting older, you can afford new car tires. YAY for Michelin!

Tracy is gone as my server, man I’m running through them…who’s next???

60’ – Who hurt Alvarez??? What did I miss??? Damn, a poor free kick by Dax, I would call it Landon-esque but his fan club would think I’m picking on him. It’s not like I don’t, like him, I just wouldn’t want him on my team…ever.

70’ – Someone just blew it for New England, luck is needed by the Hoops. Where are our great chances?

TRIVIA QUESTION: In the 1986 NFL Draft, what player was selected with the number one overall selection, but didn’t sign with the team, instead playing baseball that year?

A) Bo Jackson
B) Deion Sanders
C) Ricky Bell
D) Lawrence Elkins

72’ – Rocha shoots from about Ft. Worth…just wide.

TRIVIA ANSWER: A) Bo Jackson, I guessed and got that right only because I remembered Deion playing college football in ’88 and I had no idea who Ricky Bell and Lawrence Elkins were. Guess who’s going on wikipedia when they get home.

One of the Miley Cyrus girls is putting on make-up at the table…KICK HER OUT!!!

73’ – McCarty has a lot of heart but he’s knocked off the ball because he’s just too small, Moor gives up too much space for a shot and…damn…Khano Smith…It was bound to happen, the amount of chances we were giving up. 1-0 New England.

ESPN shows a stat, we’ve lost to NE 8 of the last 9 times, I’m not sure I believe them after that Davino, designated player, fiasco but it sure seems like that.

77’ – Ricardihno abuses someone, it leads to a corner. He’s gonna be a good one once he learns to pass and gets used to the physical play in MLS.

79’ – Birdman sighting! So far this year that’s the one thing I’ve been most wrong about, the emergence of Dominic Oduro. Maybe it’s because the forwards are playing well and scoring that he stays sitting on that metal bench, regardless he looks only slightly better on the ball.

Who sings “Before he cheats”? That song is on now…Carrie Underwood!!! I wonder if the guy in that song pressed charges? She carved her name into the side of his truck and tore the whole thing up. He can’t know that many ‘Carrie’s.

84’ – PENALTY! Or to quote that Fox Soccer Channel announcer (his name leaves me again) PEN-AL-TY! We’re gonna tie it up! Wait, why isn’t the ref pointing to the spot? Why are FC Dallas players complaining? Here comes the replay…oh damn, that was a dive. Okay ref, you have my permission to give him a card.

86’ – OH SO CLOSE! Who headed that, Moor?

Ricardihno is getting beat up out there….oh no, pass the ball!

90’ – Richettti on a volley…YES!…NO! Just wide, I thought that went in. That should have gone in.

+90’ – Matt Reis makes a save and lays on the ball for effect, gives the camera time to zoom in on him. Drama. Major.

Fulltime

Damn. We lose again to team prep school, although from the looks of it maybe I can’t call them that anymore, I need a new nickname. Give me time.

And with that FC Dallas falls to the ranks of beaten with the rest of the league. It was a good run while it lasted but we’re just not as good as that Arsenal side was a few years back…yet. We have some relatively easy matches coming up San Jose (sorry Melissa), Real Salt Lake (twice) and team Landycakes/Goldenballs so we should be back in good form soon. Until then in Dallas the FC stands unfortunately for “finally capitulated.”

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