Much Apu about Kenny Cooper

By: Robert | June 6th, 2007

Yes, I’m discussing Shakespeare and soccer.

Loyal readers of these FC Dallas interwebs have for some reason begun to turn to me for a mature brand of humor and soccer analysis (except frequent reader Clint, he likes his humor more of the bathroom variety, not that there’s anything wrong with that) – I really don’t know why this happened, because I love a good fart joke like everyone else. But in an effort to appease my audience I will try something that either ends up being well beyond my ability as a writer (to which criticism will be accepted) or shows off the talent and intellect of Dallas Hoops’ fans (I don’t yet know enough about Scottish and Irish Hoops to say Hoops’ fans in general) much to the chagrin of those dreamsicles in Houston.

I would like to compare the playing style and ability of FC Dallas forward Kenny Cooper to Claudio from Shakespeare’s play “Much Ado about Nothing,” (I probably should have chosen a ‘Tale from the Public Domain’ because then I could gotten in great layered references…is anyone picking up these Simpsons’ references?) because I believe the juxtaposition of these two people will allow us to see the beauty of Kenny’s game and unfortunately what I believe will be either his downfall or his inability to rise to the heights he wishes to achieve (i.e. starting forward on the US Men’s National Team.)

For those of you that have not read, seen or been forced to go watch this play by a female you were attracted to at the time (the things we do for just the chance to get a woman), one of the larger themes of this story is that of social etiquette and grace and the idea of always doing things in the most florid way possible because that’s what society tells you is acceptable. The title “Much Ado About Nothing” even alludes to fact that there is so much to do to acquire nothing. We see this in Claudio when he falls in love with Hero and decides to let Don Pedro woo her for him because he believes he is not skilled enough in the “ornamental language” (that’s not my phrase there) to do so himself. This deception results in Hero being disgraced and it is in the aftermath that my point begins to emerge.

At 6’3”, 207 pounds Kenny Cooper is a lot bigger and presumably stronger than anyone else out on the pitch (I call it the ‘pitch’ for my English readers,) yet the game he decides to play is that of a little man, attempting to dribble around competition instead of using his physical advantages to go through them. I believe he watches those that are successful and lauded around him and attempts to emulate what he sees, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery. But here is where Claudio, who’s name means “crippled” because he is not able to contend in the field of “ornamental language” (there’s no way I came up with that phrase on my own) and Kenny Cooper in my opinion get it wrong; by engaging in actions that are naturally foreign to them they actually push success farther from their grasp. Claudio unintentionally humiliates Hero (no woman wants to be with a man that humiliates her unintentional or otherwise…”long-time” reader Carol can chime in here) while Cooper abandons his strengths both metaphorically and literally.

Think about the offense the Hoops could run if Kenny Cooper just played to the way his body was designed, Kenny up top holding the ball up for a moment, allowing Ruiz to get open and run off him on one side and Ramon Nunez flying up from midfield off his other. I’d take the chances those two create going one-on-one in the middle of the field any day and when teams adjust to clog up the middle Toja on the left becomes almost unstoppable (I just noticed this is getting pretty long.) Now I know there are those that are going to point to the Houston game where Kenny Cooper played like a little man and carved up Houston’s defense with pinpoint passes to Toja in the 9th minute and Thompson in the 32nd, the second one which resulted in a goal, as proof that he can play that style of soccer. To me that game and those plays are the exception to the rule, Kenny is not fast enough to routinely dribble around defenders, I believe he is doing too much to acquire too little or nothing (a-ha!) However, he is strong enough to tell defenders where to sit and wait for him to show up. When you play the game that is natural to you the women will come (both to Claudio and Kenny, women love successful athletes) and the goals will be scored. So if you see Kenny tell him we love him, but we would all be better served if he just showed up one day and said “see that box over there, everything in it is mine,” because this is Dallas where the FC stands for “fierce competitors.” (Someone could complain it stands for “fractured comparision,” but I’ll have to take that chance, I’m tired)

HOOPS PRIDE!