Player Rankings…with girls!!!

By: Robert | April 15th, 2008

Welcome to the world’s most favorite player ranking system, the one with the girls. If you missed my New York Red Bull game recap check it out here. But if you just want to see scantily dressed, beautiful women stop reading now and skip ahead.

If anyone was looking for another reason to root for North Texas’ best MLS team remember player rankings and thusly the attractiveness of the women increase in direct proportion to FC Dallas results. So if you’d rather see Jessica Alba than Amy Winehouse root for the Hoops.

Enough of the blustering, let’s get to the women!!!

Dario Sala (GK) – Charlize Theron [7]: Doesn’t have to do much and still looks great.
Adrian Serioux (D) – Elizabeth Hurley [7]: Struggled in the beginning but became a force as the game wore on and that over the top pass to Cooper was a thing of beauty.
Dulio Davino (D) – Carmen Sandiego [4]: I’m not sure that what he adds with his mind isn’t lost by what he can’t do with his body.
Drew Moor (D) – Deal or No Deal model #25 [6]: Pretty good performance but no matter what else he does he’s always going to be remembered for something else.
Andre Rocha (M) – Jamie Lynn Sigler [6]: I can’t argue against someone who produces results even if I think he can be doing a whole lot more.
Pablo Richetti (M) – Jennifer Tilly [6]: Everything you want in a defensive midfielder…plus I wouldn’t mind seeing her pair after the flop (that’s a poker/sex joke, not a good one I know but I don’t care. If I didn’t make someone else would)
Dax McCarty (M) – Kim Kardashian [5]: Last week an argument ensued in the comments section over Kim being a legit 5, which further cements my thinking that if a consensus can’t be built about a performance, said performance must be a 5.
Blake Wagner (M) – Noureen DeWulf [4]: IMDB says this is her resume, I’ve seen some of those movies and I don’t remember her.
Juan Toja (M) – Christina Aguilera after the baby [7]: If that’s the performance we get from him and he’s not 100% then I don’t want him ever to get healthy.
Franken-Cooper (F) – Elvira Mistress of the Dark [7]: Could there really be anyone else for the Franken-Cooper? I admit it would have been perfect if I thought of it after he knocked in that beautiful pair against Houston, but it still works.
Arturo Alvarez (F) – Rashida Jones [7]: I should be upset at him for blowing a 1v1 with the keeper but he scored early, was a threat often and is my favorite Hoop, forgive me for having a soft spot.

Marcelo Saragosa (M) – I don’t remember him
Aaron Pitchkolan (D) – I don’t remember him either
Ricardinho (F) – At least he didn’t blow it this time
GROUP RATING – 3LW [5]: Admit it you don’t remember them either.

So what do you think of the “rankings,” do the numbers match the girls? I want to hear your feedback.

Tonight the Hoops are still technically undefeated so in Dallas we raise a cold one to the boys in red, white and blue because now the FC stands for beginning to “fake competence.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

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