The Houston Disaster…part 2 (the rankings…with girls!)

By: Robert | April 8th, 2008

After taking some time to think this through here’s America’s favorite post game player ranking system, the one with the girls!!!

If you don’t know the concept here’s a quick refresher:

But enough of that, onto the pictures!!!

Dario Sala (GK) – Heidi Klum [7]: Can’t really blame him for the goals, plus he’s played really well over the first two games.
Drew Moor (D) – Lindsay Lohan [3]: Own goals are bad luck and carelessness, a lot of carelessness.
Dulio Davino (D) – Ellen Barkin [5]: Two games in and he still hasn’t done too much, plus he’s really slow. Didn’t he used to be great?
Adrian Serioux (D) – Rosalyn Sanchez [6]: The only defender worth his shirt.
Blake Wagner (M…I think) – Amy Winehouse [4]: I’m sure he’s trying hard but jogging behind the opponent just doesn’t make it look that way.
Andre Rocha (M) – Kim Kardashian [5]: Great on set pieces, can’t find anyone with the ball in the run of play. Shouldn’t he be better than this?
Dax McCarty (M) – Raquel Alessi… the young Roxanne from Ghost Rider [6]: At least Peter Nowak had the good sense to keep him.
Pablo Richetti (M) – Drew Barrymore [6]: Loose balls shall be won, offenses shall be stopped, and correct passes shall be made. That’s his job description, that’s what he does.
Juan Toja (M) – Sloan from Entourage [7]: Both late goals allowed this season have been scored after he was replaced, coincidence? Plus Sloan invited her hot friend over for a threesome, you have to keep her no matter what.
Kenny Cooper (F) – Angelina Jolie [8]: Two goals, maybe he could have scored more, but he scored two goals and that’s all I need.
Arturo Alvarez (F) – the old Doritos girl [7]: He’s probably my new favorite Hoop, combine that with a goal and you get an inflated rating.

Dominic Oduro (F) – Keira Knightly [4]: Blew a chance late.
Ricardinho (F) – Ashley Olson [4]: Blew a chance even later.

Notice the more attractive ladies are basically reserved for the attacking players (there are exceptions). That should be a hint to the defense to get its act together because when a team is averaging two goals a game they shouldn’t be in the middle of the table.

I really wanted to beat Houston…

So what do you think about my “rankings”? Here’s your chance to weigh in. Are the numbers right? Do the women match up with the numbers? Oh and before someone asks me about Drew Barrymore as a six, I once knew a girl who had the same exact smile as Drew and well *sigh*…that’s why she’s a six.

Anyways, in Dallas we mourn what coach Morrow effectively described as a loss because tonight the FC stands for “forgotten chances.”

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Category: Game Analysis

Tags: Beautiful Women, Game Analysis, Houston Dreamsicles

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Comments  

• Greg |  April 8th, 2008 at 9:15 am

  
  
  

  It’s a good thing you clarified who Raquel Alessi is by referring to her as the “young Roxanne from Ghost Rider.” That helped all four people who actually saw that movie to identify her. I’m sorry, that was just too easy. It’s all in good fun, hope you can take a joke. If you can’t, then you always can delete this and move on. Spam Karma 2 is king.

  Posted from United States

  

• fitz |  April 8th, 2008 at 11:29 am

  
  
  

  The old Doritos girl: Ali Landry. Just thought I’d make myself useful.

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• Dave Martinez |  April 8th, 2008 at 11:36 am

  
  
  

  What no one finds the Snapple Lady hot anymore ?!?

  *crickets*

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• Robert |  April 8th, 2008 at 11:52 am

  
  
  

  I didn’t know who the Snapple Lady even was so I looked her up and it says she was on Celebrity Fit Club 1 AND 2 because apparently one season wasn’t good enough. The worst part about it is you still can’t tell she did anything but put the fork down.

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• Dave Martinez |  April 8th, 2008 at 2:52 pm

  
  
  

  LOL Robert I have to give it to ya brother - you just made me literally laugh out loud.

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• Melissa |  April 8th, 2008 at 3:00 pm

  
  
  

  She’s the one who got wrapped in hot towels on that show in order to drop a few pounds. Very unconventional weight loss method… that didn’t work anyways.

  Are you guys playing that rumored 3-5-3? I only saw the Chivas game and holy sh*t that Sala is like a wall.

  Posted from United States

  

• Jon |  April 8th, 2008 at 4:37 pm

  
  
  

  Kim Kardashian is only a 5???????? WHAT!

  Posted from United States

  

• Robert |  April 8th, 2008 at 4:57 pm

  
  
  

  Now I’ll admit Kim Kardashian is very beautiful but in my original post, where I created this ranking system, I made a sex tape joke, something about “needing to re-watch that performance to find something I liked”. That particular line sounded like a soccer 5 to me.

  I wont argue against your dispute because you could easily make the point that she’s a seven but think about this the only real thing of note she’s done, besides being born to some rich guy and having some really good genes, is have sex on camera. And unless she’s going into the adult film industry “Doggystyle” is not something you can really put on a resume.

  Posted from United States

  

• Robert |  April 8th, 2008 at 5:30 pm

  
  
  

  Melissa,

  I know in theory we are playing a 3-5-2 and we even have 5 midfielders on the field, but neither wing player gets forward enough for me to call it a 3-5-2. In fact if someone said it was a 5-3-2 I wouldn’t argue much.

  And yes Sala may not recuperate as fast as he wants to anymore but he can still make all those great reflex saves and position himself better than just about anyone in the league. Or as you said “holy sh*t [he's] like a wall.”

  Posted from United States

  

• Isaiah |  April 8th, 2008 at 7:53 pm

  
  
  

  Your system is good, but I have to question Rosalyn Sanchez being tied with Drew Barrymore. Your 6 rating is “Very beautiful but for some reason not thought very highly of, seems like a soccer six.” I have to disagree, though.

  If you want to put Barrymore as a 6, by all means, do so, but Rosalyn Sanchez would apply to a 7 to me in that “Nothing spectacular, but definitely got the job done,” kind of way.

  And you sure don’t like skinny girls, do you? Which is why Kardashian’s 5 is kind of out of place (though your defense is very valid).

  Posted from United States

  

• Isaiah |  April 8th, 2008 at 7:53 pm

  
  
  

  And by skinny I mean anoxeric thin. Cause ain’t a single one of those women up there anywhere near normal sized.

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• Robert |  April 8th, 2008 at 8:44 pm

  
  
  

  You may be right, I wrote that Rosalyn Sanchez may underrated and in doing that I may have underrated her myself, I guess I should go back and watch Rush Hour 2 and some Without a Trace re-runs.

  Drew Barrymore is a six because of this girl from the past. I tried hard to not make her a seven because well…you can guess.

  And no I’m not a fan of anorexic skinny girls at all.

  Posted from United States

  

• Nelson |  April 8th, 2008 at 9:15 pm

  
  
  

  sex tape or not kardashian is NOT a five…i would say at least 7

  Posted from United States

  

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