These guys are not good.

By: Robert | September 18th, 2007

I’ve become bitter sitting here thinking about the abomination that has become the FC Dallas defense so allow me to use this space to vent my frustrations with my analysis of the men who are paid to play defense at Pizza Hut Park. I’m in a bad mood, so things are unflatteringly biased. Also, you’ll notice I’m using the terminology “Lesser Cons” and “Cons,” as anyone who’s seen FC Dallas’ recent defensive play will agree they don’t deserve any “Pros.”

Drew Moor
Lesser Cons: Drew is actually pretty good at man marking and is solid in 1v1 defending. He doesn’t have much speed (you’re going to read that a lot) but he makes up for it by reading the game fairly well. His play somehow grabbed the attention of USMNT coach Bob Bradley for this summer’s Copa America.

Cons: Adds absolutely nothing to the attack and by “nothing” I don’t mean “little”, I mean, “nothing.” I know he has two goals this season but as Jay-Z says “a broken clock is right at least two times a day.” His passes to opposing midfielders keep FC Dallas on the defensive as he gives the ball away as soon as he takes it from an attacker.

Aaron Pitchkolan
Lesser Cons: At $30,000 a year he doesn’t cost much, but he tries hard. He can read the game fairly well and he’s pretty descent in the air. He’s also proven to be a pretty good team guy as he never complains about being forced to routinely play out of position.

Cons: Slow. Any gains he makes by quickly reading the play are immediately lost when players run past him with the ball. Also, maybe he should complain because it’s obvious his future isn’t in the back.

Adrian Serioux
Lesser Cons: He can throw the ball really far. Um, what else? Oh, it’s really easy to tell who he is.

Cons: His body has had more breaks than a DJ competition (DJs will find that joke hilarious.) He’s also slow, like Drew Bledsoe as a Dallas Cowboy slow. Plus he’s Canadian.

Clarence Goodson
Lesser Cons: Easily FC Dallas’ best defender, good in the air, able to read the game as it unfolds in front of him. He doesn’t take much mess from opposing players and is the kind of talent a team needs in the middle of its defense. Plus he’s pretty good at man marking.

Cons: He’s not that good at man marking, every time he makes a mistake the Hoops get punished by allowing a great chance on goal. Part of that is the nature of the position the other part is that he just makes mistakes. And yeah, he’s slow too.

Alex Yi
Lesser Cons: He’s actually not that slow and at $30,080 doesn’t cost that much. Plus he’s still young so he might become something one day.

Cons: He’s not going to become something one day plus, he should change his name to Chevy Malibu because he breaks down so much. All in all he’s also just not that good of a defender.

Bobby Rhine
Lesser Cons: Bobby Rhine will give everything he has for FC Dallas.

Cons: Bobby Rhine doesn’t have much to give to FC Dallas.

Chris Gbandi
Lesser Cons: Of all the Hoops defenders he adds the most to the attack. Some people like his hair, although this picture doesn’t show it. He still has fans from his UConn days. He does decent interviews.

Cons: As a defender the primary reason for him being on the field is to defend and he can’t do that. Recently he’s been benched in favor of guys who aren’t half as talented as he is. He’s about a year and a half away from officially receiving “fat booty on a nun” status (i.e. waste of flesh) if he doesn’t start to pick things up.

David Wagenfuhr
Lesser Cons: He scored a goal for me in my FIFA ’06 video game that allowed me to win the US Open Cup over the LA Galaxy.

Cons: Re-read Chris Gbandi’s “cons,” because he’s replacing Chris Gbandi. Every time he takes the field I ask “who the hell is that?” I couldn’t pick him out of lineup if he wore a t-shirt that read “Hi, I’m David Wagenfuhr, I play defense for FC Dallas and have been a member of the team ever since I was the 31st overall pick in the 2004 draft. I once won a 5K race under the pseudonym ‘Ron Burgundy’ and my favorite TV shows are ‘The Office’ and ‘Family Guy.’”

More Lesser Cons: I would buy that t-shirt.

Something has to happen, I know this group has the ability to play well they just haven’t shown it of late. The Hoops have a real chance to lift a couple of trophies this season if only they can just limit the number of chances opposing teams get. They don’t have to stop teams outright just make sure in the Dallas the FC stands for “Finding Competence.”

HOOPS PRIDE!

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