

FC Dallas vs. Kyle Beckerman
By: Robert | June 5th, 2007I don’t like Kyle Beckerman.
Now some of you may wonder why I would spend time bashing such an untalented soccer player, you may see it as a baseless and unfounded personal attack on a semi-public figure (Some of my closest friends will tell you that baseless and unfounded personal attacks on semi-public figures are what I do best, but that’s neither here nor there.) Today, loyal readers of these FC Dallas interwebs, we must rise up as one and defend our honor. We must declare in one voice “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!” We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” – Okay, admittedly that was a little over dramatic but Bill Pullman’s speech in Independence Day (or was that Bill Paxton? I always get them confused) always gets me riled up.
Kyle Beckerman started this and I plan to keep it going as long as I can come up with something creative (I would have said “funny,” but “funny” equals’ pressure and I don’t need that.) So what did Kyle “Puke-erman” (Sophomoric and crude I know and I apologize if you had come to count on me for a more mature brand of humor, but I had nothing there. If you have a better play-on-his-name insult, please tell me) do to start this? Simple, he called us out, he called us weak, he said the kids were more intimidating than us, he said he would walk in our houses, kick our cats, pour our milk on the kitchen floor, steal our Swiffers’ and watch us stand there and do nothing – I said before I was going to make some stuff up and I stand by that.
“I didn’t hear them…They were pretty weak. The adult fans are pretty weak. The kids are good but the adult fans were pretty weak. They’re a weak, weak bunch.” –Kyle Beckerman
Attacks on Hoops’ nation, any Hoops’ nation, be they Hoops in Dallas, Scotland or Ireland (I’ve been reading) will not be dealt with lying down. So as a reader submission request (The first of many on Kyle Beckerman…I said before this would be an interactive experience) I ask you, Hoops of the world, to submit your best Kyle Beckerman haiku’s. He will learn not only of the FC Dallas fangs, but he will learn we’re educated too (His little high school education just can’t compare.) I’ll give you a couple to get started. Kyle will fear our poetry acumen, vengeance shall be ours. He will learn that we are FC Dallas, where the FC stands for “Forceful Community.”
Things I’d rather do
Than watch you, rectal exam
Swim in poo, you suck
Sideshow Bob look-alike
Remember scene? Find a rake
Ha, that will stop him
HOOPS PRIDE!
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Comments
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Hater of Hoops fans,
Your hair is insanity.
Salt Lake hates you too.Posted from
United States

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Oh Kyle Beckerman
Your jibes remind Hoops fans of
A small pecker, manPosted from
United States

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Are you kidding? Peckerman. It writes itself!
Posted from
United States

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Kyle Beckerman
Hair like ugly dookie braids
Not cute Janet J.Posted from
United States

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Kyle Beckerman, your hair is badass
that is allPosted from
United States

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Kyle Beckerman will never be able to fill Mehdi Ballouchy’s spot. Go back home.
Posted from
United States

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Alright class…quiet down,get your coats, and let’s all file in line for the field trip. Today-we’re all going back to 3rd grade when half of your dim witted jokes may have had a chance of being humerous. While you’re there-don’t eat the paste-it is bad for your digestive system.
Moving on-as far as someone’s high school education, what an idiot Kyle was huh? I mean..why would someone ever have a desire to pursue their dreams of playing pro soccer and leave school early? I mean-then they would miss out on that awesome prom thing that noone of you went to because you were home making your Jeff Agoos fan pages.
Thirdly, the Project 40 program that Kyle was involved with was designed to build our youth development-thus strengthining the MLS talent for later years. Teams over in Europe use the same approach with something called ‘youth squads.’ But hey-what do those Europeans know about soccer, right?
“Far better it is to keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re ignorant than to open it and remove all doubt”-Mark Twain
Peace Ladies-
LC
Posted from
United States

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I went to school and played with Kyle in high school. sound’s to me that you guys are a bunch of pole smokers. Get real if you want to talk shit get out there and play the man. Grow up and find something better to do at work. Go play tummy sticks
Posted from
United States

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