FC Dallas vs. Kyle Beckerman

By: Robert | June 5th, 2007

I don’t like Kyle Beckerman.

Now some of you may wonder why I would spend time bashing such an untalented soccer player, you may see it as a baseless and unfounded personal attack on a semi-public figure (Some of my closest friends will tell you that baseless and unfounded personal attacks on semi-public figures are what I do best, but that’s neither here nor there.) Today, loyal readers of these FC Dallas interwebs, we must rise up as one and defend our honor. We must declare in one voice “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!” We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” – Okay, admittedly that was a little over dramatic but Bill Pullman’s speech in Independence Day (or was that Bill Paxton? I always get them confused) always gets me riled up.

Kyle Beckerman started this and I plan to keep it going as long as I can come up with something creative (I would have said “funny,” but “funny” equals’ pressure and I don’t need that.) So what did Kyle “Puke-erman” (Sophomoric and crude I know and I apologize if you had come to count on me for a more mature brand of humor, but I had nothing there. If you have a better play-on-his-name insult, please tell me) do to start this? Simple, he called us out, he called us weak, he said the kids were more intimidating than us, he said he would walk in our houses, kick our cats, pour our milk on the kitchen floor, steal our Swiffers’ and watch us stand there and do nothing – I said before I was going to make some stuff up and I stand by that.

“I didn’t hear them…They were pretty weak. The adult fans are pretty weak. The kids are good but the adult fans were pretty weak. They’re a weak, weak bunch.” –Kyle Beckerman

Attacks on Hoops’ nation, any Hoops’ nation, be they Hoops in Dallas, Scotland or Ireland (I’ve been reading) will not be dealt with lying down. So as a reader submission request (The first of many on Kyle Beckerman…I said before this would be an interactive experience) I ask you, Hoops of the world, to submit your best Kyle Beckerman haiku’s. He will learn not only of the FC Dallas fangs, but he will learn we’re educated too (His little high school education just can’t compare.) I’ll give you a couple to get started. Kyle will fear our poetry acumen, vengeance shall be ours. He will learn that we are FC Dallas, where the FC stands for “Forceful Community.”

Things I’d rather do
Than watch you, rectal exam
Swim in poo, you suck

Sideshow Bob look-alike
Remember scene? Find a rake
Ha, that will stop him

HOOPS PRIDE!